Bif, the builder's apprentice

If you can turn up at the crack of dawn while everyone’s in bed,

Or better still, by far, arrive three hours later than you said,
If you can double park your van in the most obstructive way
And speak volumes on your mobile throughout the working day,
If you can double up the cost in every single quote
And emphasise the difficulties in everything of note,
Or waste two extra hours at the plumbing centre store
Then use second hand materials to save a bob or more:
If you can fake certification with your grade 5 school report
And flash references of adulation, if only freshly bought,
If you can pretend to listen carefully to what the client asks
Then never do a thing they want or complete any of your tasks,
If you can have five cups of tea for every person’s normal one
And pack up nice and early, well before the work is done,
If you can turn the stopcock so that it’s really nice and tight
And charge another visit when the client finds his plight:
If you can take twelve days to do it when it needed just a few
Or leave four sacks of rubbish from your work at ‘sixty two’,
If you can play your radio loudly, morning, noon and night
And hide your debris under flooring where it’s nice and out of sight,
If you can be truly gracious when writing your receipt
But never make your writing look legible and neat,
And if you can wear your trousers halfway down your bum
Then there’s every indication – you’ll be a builder yet, my son!

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