Her house is on the corner
with the ornate number plate,
There’s a sundial in
the garden and a wrought iron garden gate,
There’s a pond with
fancy fountain and a wooden garden seat,
Her patio’s the envy
of everyone you meet,
Her fruit trees are
abundant, her strawberries quite exquisite
And the Open Gardens jury
vote her house well worth a visit.
She has plates across the sideboard
and plates across the wall,
Plates you scarcely breath
on in case one takes a fall,
She polishes the picture
frames, she varnishes the floor,
She has fingertip protectors
on every single door,
Her curtains all have
tie-backs and her cushions all have lace,
Her vases all have flowers,
every plant is in its place.
She’s a partner for
mixed doubles and plays in ladies bowls,
She’s a member of the
golf club and walks all 18 holes,
Her bridge and whist are well
renowned, she solos in the choir,
But even when her voice
wears out she’s unlikely to retire.
And she plays the village
organ with unrequited glee
And invites the
chapel’s warden regularly to tea.
The WI committee have
elected her a member,
She’s managing the
Christmas fayre they’re holding in November,
Her jams are rich and
fruity, her cakes are sheer perfection,
Her raspberry swirls are
richly iced, a cherry-topped confection.
And she has a Yorkshire
terrier who adores his mistress so,
He’s the annual Yorkie
winner of the local county show.
And she reads the morning
paper and she reads the Sunday Times
And listens to the shipping
news and waits for Big Ben’s chimes.
And everything is custom
made, her husband came bespoke
(He was her second cousin’s
uncle and won her mother’s vote).
So she has no need to
grumble and she has no need to groan
For she’s happy with
her husband and she’s happy with her home.
She’s a daughter down
in Cardiff who’s a credit to her mum
She’s married into
money, to an air-vice marshal’s son.
Sonia’s happy with her
marriage, Sonia’s happy with her man,
Sonia’s happy with her
haute cuisine and keeps a healthy tan.
And everything is lovely and
everything is grand
In their idealised suburban
life in Never Never Land.
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