I'm not sure I should tell you this,
It's not for honest ears,
But there's this cesspit in the ground
That's not been used for years,
It's just the place, so I have found,
For hiding goods away,
And though it's rather small and dark
There isn't much decay.
Before I came this way from 'work'
I'd not known it was there,
In fact it's just MY secret
So I'll not let on just where,
Its now become my home from home
Chock full of bric-a-brac,
TV's, hi fi's, mobile phones,
Lots of this and a bit of that.
Now when there ain't no room to breathe
I speak to Fred the Fence,
And he's the one that sells it on
Though he ain't got that much sense,
I used to have this other spot
To hide my stolen goods
But then the Fuzz got wind of this
So I moved it to the woods,
And digging out a mighty hole
Which took me quite some time,
I hid the stuff Fred couldn't sell
Beneath this mighty pine.
But in the gale that came that year
It blew the whole tree down
And all my precious valuables
Got scattered all around.
I gathered all that I could find
To hide them by the lake
But, frightened that I might be seen,
I made a BIG mistake
And went to see my old mate, Ted,
So he could help me out
Not knowing at the time, of course,
The Fuzz were round about.
And when they nearly found the stuff
In Ted's old dad's back porch
Ted did the only thing he knew
(Well, they call him Ted the Torch)
And setting fire to all within
By 'accidental' flame
Removed the trace of all my things
Should Fuzz call round again.
So when I had to start afresh
A new hoard now from scratch,
I had to find a better place
To hide my latest batch,
And running from a wretched dog
That caught me in the act
I tripped and fell across this spot,
The ideal place in fact.
So I store my stuff now deep inside
A bit more every week
And no one knows my secret
Or has ever had a peek,
And I think I'm really lucky,
For it keeps things watertight,
And I can visit when I like,
(Though I tend to come at night),
And it keeps the money flowing
Which is really all I need,
Because, you see, my mates and I
Have this habit which we feed.
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